#21 The Fellowship: Creating My Own Summer Camp

Hi Wonderful People!

Happy Father’s day to all of your marvelous fathers!

I'm entering my last week at Edge Esmeralda. This week will mark a full month here.

I'm exactly where I need to be. Stay tuned for where I'll be headed next.

One of the themes last week was Education.

There was a full day dedicated to conversations about alternative education.

Goal: Become a learner!

I learned about micro schools from Prenda, the Acton School framework, creating learning spaces with All One Thing, and heard from parents whose kids don't want to leave school!

As someone who didn't resonate with the traditional schooling model, I was intrigued to say the least.

These people were creating these environments for kids, but I wondered how I could create a learning environment like that for myself?

Enter my experimental summer camp:

Starting next week I am going to take my learnings from the talks, additional research, and my own personal experience, to develop a month-long personalized learning environment.

The learning will be centered around better understanding myself.

A few things in the works:

I'll share what I create next week!

On a Sunday night a few months ago, I made a declaration.

"I am integrity," I said.

I had been experimenting with "I am" statements.

I am love. I am trust. I am faith.

What would it look like if I was integrity?, I thought.

I was about to find out.

That next Monday morning, I drove to the coffee shop I'd been going to for months.

The parking lot was often packed, with few open spots.

I’d followed the same routine as always: pull into the packed parking lot, circle around looking for a spot, get frustrated at having to wait and not want to pay the meter.

Over time I’d figured out which spots weren't technically spots but where I could park anyway.

And I figured out when the parking enforcement would come so I could get out of paying for a ticket.

I told myself I was being clever, efficient. Why wait like everyone else? Why pay if I was only there for a few hours?

Nothing ended up ever happening. Ever so often I got a ticket, but it was offset by all the other instances that I would have paid for the meter.

I didn’t see a reason to change.

But this Monday morning was different.

I pulled into that same parking lot, and suddenly there was this massive lump in my stomach.

What in the world is happening? I thought, circling the lot as usual.

I hadn’t eaten anything new, or done anything different than usual

Then I had a curious thought, could this have something to do with the fact that I declared "I am integrity" last night?

For the first time, I was seeing this parking lot through completely different eyes.

Every shortcut I'd taken, every rule I'd bent, every time I'd thought I was smarter than the system.

It all felt heavy in my stomach.

I waited a bit longer, found an open spot and sat there for a moment.

Okay, I thought. Let's see what this feels like.

I paid the meter. No shortcuts.

When I walked into the coffee shop, something had shifted.

There was this lightness, this internal confidence. All from simply paying the meter?!

But it was more than paying a meter. I was connecting with myself. I was becoming integrity.

It was power.

Wow, I thought. I've become a man of integrity. Thinking that one change was all I needed.

The next day, same thing. I was all about this new version of myself.

I waited for a spot, paid the meter and walked into the coffee shop feeling proud.

I went to fill up my water bottle at the water filter like I’d been doing for months.

But this time, there was a sign on the water filter.

But this sign wasn’t new. It had been there the entire time.

Except I actually saw the sign this time.

"For patrons and clients only."

I stared at it.

Note: I don’t drink coffee but over the last few months I had gotten to know the baristas, done my work there, used their water and felt welcomed.

But standing there with that sign in front of me, I felt that same full-body awareness. That same uncomfortable truth.

This is not integrity.

That day, I stopped using their water filter without buying something beforehand.

This is the thing about declaring "I am" anything.

Life starts showing me everywhere I’m not that thing.

When I said "I am integrity," suddenly every small compromise, every bent rule, every moment I'd chosen convenience over character came into sharp focus.

The parking. The water. And so many other small moments I'd never questioned.

I thought about how this applies to everything else.

I am _____

"I am love" is kicking my butt right now because there are many instances where I'm not embodying love.

But making that intention means those moments come into awareness.

And awareness helps to tilt the scales to that lump in my stomach overpowering my once unconscious actions.

It's this beautiful, uncomfortable process.

What “I am” statement will you declare?

Most mornings, I meditate on this ramp that comes around the side of the house and is connects my room.

I grab a pillow and sit there as I hear the birds chirping and the wind rustling through the trees.

On Sunday, I did just that.

As I was meditating that morning, I heard church bells going off in the distance.

I paused. I hadn't been to church since I'd arrived.

Things had gotten crazy and my routine had gone by the way side.

I searched up ‘churches near me’ and found one a few minutes away.

I got up, put some shoes on, and got on my bike.

I arrived and was about to sit down when, in the corner of my eye, I saw two smiling faces.

They were two friends I had met throughout the month and they were sitting in the pew behind me.

“Have you guys been coming here throughout the month?" I asked.

“No, this is our first time too.”

After church, we got lunch and wonderfully discussed religion and spirituality.

Each of us had winding religious journeys. Each of us was exploring what role God had in our lives.

I sat at lunch knowing, that there are always ‘bells’ ringing in my life leading me in a direction aligned with myself.

I look forward to listening to more bells this week!

Thank you to those who sent book recs!

If this story resonated with you, I'd love for you to share it with someone who might need to hear it.

From My Week

Peace and Love,

Ben