Earlier this week, I was called disrespectful.
Disrepectful for an action I chose to take.
It stung but something else came from it.
Two weeks ago, a friend messaged me out of the blue.
“I’m in Buenos Aires and my flight just got canceled. Want to meet up?”
On short notice, we grabbed dinner.
As we said goodbye, he left me an open invite to join him on his trip down to the south of Argentina.
I declined but a week later, I felt the pull and I was on a flight to meet him.
The wild south of Argentina. The land of Patagonia.
Upon arriving, I was invited by a friend to a sound bath (meditation with sounds). It was led by a two master facilitators. People had been having powerful, transformative experiences all week.
The night before, I was excited to attend.
But the next morning, I woke up with a clear ‘no’ in my stomach. ‘Don’t go.’
That’s strange. It’s just a sound bath, I thought.
It’ll be fine.
Despite the feeling, I went anyway.
When I arrived, the room was full. Everyone sitting cross-legged and eager to start.
The facilitator began explaining what we’d be doing. Starting with some warm-up exercises.
As we started, something in me tightened.
I realized we weren’t warming up for a sound bath. The exercises progressively got more intense.
It was a rebirth breathwork.
The main difference is that sound bath is a serene meditation experience while anything ‘rebirth’ is going to be intense.
As the energy in the room built, I sat still on the floor, hearing people around me breathe faster and faster, the sound swelling like a wave.
I became uncomfortable and my chest tightened.
I was not in the right head space to be there.
And now I understood what my gut had been trying to tell me.
Two realizations hit me:
I now understood what my intuition was telling me (please keep reminding me, it’s a journey 😃)
I didn’t belong in that room.
But how do I leave?
A voice in my head said, Don’t be disrespectful. Stay a little longer.
Another said, You’re allowed to choose what feels right for you.
Inch by inch, I gathered my things, stood up, and walked out.
As soon as I stepped outside, I exhaled deeply and a wave of relief came through me.
The facilitators were incredible. The space was sacred but it just wasn’t for me.
Later that day, I learned my other friend felt I’d been disrespectful for leaving mid-session.
At first, I brushed it off.
I’d followed my truth. That’s what matters, right?
But then, something in me softened.
I wasn’t wrong for leaving, but I did realize I had just left. I didn’t say anything after the fact and I hadn’t even thanked my friend for inviting me. No communication.
That type of communication is not the best recipe for a relationship.
If I were them, I would have felt disrespected too.
That’s when I updated my definition of what it means to make aligned decisions.
It used to only be:
I make decisions aligned with me, even when they don’t make sense.
Now I’ve added:
I can also communicate my truth not to justify it, but to honor connection.
So I sent a short audio message:
“Hey, thank you for the invite. I wasn’t in the right headspace, but I appreciate it.”
They replied kindly.
Simple. Human. Real.
Lesson learned:
We don’t need to explain ourselves but there is a middle way where we consider the other people impacted.
I’m writing this on my flight from Buenos Aires to Miami.
It’s the end of two full months and a lot of life lived.
I’ve been reflecting on why I came to Argentina in the first place.
It was the first time I truly followed desire.
For most of my life, I equated desire = bad.
I preferred to flow with life, to let things come to me.
But this trip was different.
I used my own will to make something happen.
To chase something I wanted.
I relfected that I don’t see myself going after more of my desires. I felt I got burned by this one.
I was ready to return to my going with the flow way of life. To say, see, this is why I don’t chase desire.
But then I laughed.
Really, Ben? You’re going to tell me this was just a one-off experience that happened and you learned nothing but “never doing this again”?
I guess you have a point. When I stand in my power, my learning is that desire isn’t bad.
It’s powerful.
It just needs space to breathe.
Before this, I was too afraid to go after desire. I had fears of how desire leads me off my path. But they were all speculative of what could happen.
Now, I’ve lived it.
I’ve see both how wonderful it is, and how lost I can get if I am too attached to it.
When I went after soccer and Argentina, I clung too tightly.
I abandoned my natural flow.
Now I see I don’t need to choose between desire or surrender.
I can hold both.
I can move toward what I want and still let life move through me.
That’s the real freedom, the both/and.
Do you think of desire as bad?
I’m in Miami this week so God only knows what next week’s reflection is going to be.
Stay tuned.
With love,
Double B
If you want to explore how to create freedom around your desires and to trust that you are capable of doing it all without needing to do any of it, send me a message or sign up for one of my free one-hour Creating Everything conversations (only six left).
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